Do coffee shops stay open on Christmas Day?

A: no, they do not (unless you count 7-11 as a coffee shop).

We fed the homeless today.  I suppose I could feel sad and cry about how tough their lives are.  I suppose I could feel good about feeding the homeless, but really...i just feel silly.  Feeding the homeless once a year is like putting a band-aid on a patient with stage IV terminal cancer.

Where was everybody when the City Council tried to outlaw laying on public sidewalks?  

First thanksgiving at my new place, second turky I've every baked in my entire life.  It was meh.  Can't complain considering it was the first time i used that oven too.

Tribe-less.  Outcast.  Outsider.  I have wandered the desert of a life for too long.  too long it has been until now.  i have found my people. I have found my tribe.

 The people at the mall bookstore at 9pm on a Saturday night.  My People.  Home. 

Moving

What are friends for if not for helping you move heavy furniture hither and thither. 

There was a lay buddhist who lived by the rule of 100.  In his simple home, he had 100 items... his rule was to never have more than 100 material possessions.  a mattress counted as one, a bed sheet was another item, a fork was another... one hundred objects and no more.  anytime he acquired or was gifted a new item, he must get rid of something to keep the number below 100.  I want to live like this.  i want bare empty walls that echo my footsteps back to me when i come home from work.  i want a chair.  a table.  a lamp.  for one.

I never want to move house again.  I will never have to.

but its hard to live with few things in my new home when my mom keeps decorating the place with things i don't want during the day when I'm at work.  fancy bookcases when i want disposable lightweight particle board shelves... vases with live plants when i want institutional severity.


so many thirtieth birthdays...so many people having babies...

His name was Daud.  he played sad sounds. 

I've been disinclined to write in this here blog of mine.  may be cuz I've found easier times.  But I won't just delete this web site yet.  This too shall pass is what they say and interesting times will come my way again someday. 

this man with this song makes me hurt and i am doing you a favor by sharing this pain

Premise 1:
Generosity while possessing great wealth is easy.

Premise 2:
Generosity and giving when you have little is difficult.

Conclusion:
If you are financially poor, but want to give, give those ephemeral things which everyone has an abundance of: Love, Time, Compassion, Help, give of yourself, rather than material wealth.

But if you don't have financial or spiritual wealth to give, or just don't want to give what little you have, no worries.  Givers can't be Givers without Takers, right?

Yin and Yang.

It's a beautiful thing when you hear about a poor person giving generously of what little they possess.  But "the fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion."  Or does it?  I will have to think more about this.

The Hawaiian Islands: a Retrospective

It's been years since I've been to the outer islands.  I haven't set foot on the outer Islands since at least 1999.  I've forgotten, assuming I ever knew, how beautiful the islands are.

Each island is different.  Big Island has the lush east side, with volcano landscapes.  The west side is drier, almost dessert-like at times.  Maui, the parts I saw, had undulating pasture lands.  Kauai was lush all around.

I see why tourists come to Hawaii.  It's a pretty place.

I attended a keynote speech at a tourism conference today, actor and travel writer Anthony McCarthy.  I agreed with everything he said.

He spoke not about the facts and figures and corporate activity of selling hotel rooms and plane tickets.  He talked instead about the beauty and spirituality and inner growth experiences of Travel.  I laughed when he argued there is no difference between the definition of "travel' and "vacation".  I had just learned myself that there is a big difference between those loosely associated terms.  Though I would say the two are two completely different activities, I agree with him when he says that both lead to learning moments.  I waited after his speech and spoke to him and shook his hand because I was so tickled by his speech...I totally "got" what he was saying.

He spoke about the superficial Hawaii vacation, i.e. the Mai Tai's at a beach side hotel bar in Waikiki. But he also said that Hawaii, and traveling in general, can provide a deeper experience to individuals.  He called them "ah ha!" moments.  I just call them moments.

Here is a moment  on a deserted black sand beach on Maui:

Reminiscent of El Salvador many miles away.

One of the more relaxing moments on my cruise trip.  I believe this was on the Big Island.  A few miles south of Waikoloa Village.

good wine and bad chinese food, or was it the other way around?

So it goes.

Haleakala

I watched the sunrise.

And I bought a red hat.

I didn't realize how disappointed I could be until I finally got what I always wanted. 

Ocean Roads

I learned during this seven day cruise experience with my extended family that there is a difference between "vacations", "family vacations" and "traveling".  I prefer the last.

I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of service on the boat.  All the little services and amenities added up to a pretty nice experience.  I wasn't expecting much from the staff on the boat, but it wasn't bad.  It wasn't 5 star, but it was more than i expected.   Other more experienced cruisers, they like to call themselves "cruisers", said that this particular cruise wasn't that great in terms of food or service or activities.  My feelings about it is that you're not really paying to stay on the boat to watch shows, swim in the pool and eat buffetts, you're there to go on shore and see the islands.

This is one of those vacations where I'm going to need a vacation to recover from it.  It was very fun, but tiring.

I learned many things about family, life, health, patience, kids,  etc...

 I learned it takes about 30 minutes to get kids ready to go somewhere in a car.

Not that there was any doubt before, but i would reiterate that i'm definitely not having kids. Nope.

The morning that I left I packed my things into my old backpacking backpack, the one i've used on my previous two trips.  the moment I swung the straps over my shoulders and the familiar weight settled against my back, it felt so right.  It felt so good.  I asked myself why I was wasting my life away in an 8:30am to 6:30pm desk job.  I should be traveling the world.  You should have seen the grin on my face as I walked out my front door to my seven day cruise adventure.  You should have felt my contentment at that moment in time. 

Things Lonely People Do. Go!

1. Talk to self.
2. Order take out.
3. Self-improvement activities.
4. Smile at seemingly nothing.
5.

I was sitting in a doctor office waiting room this morning.  out of boredom I decided to call the surf report to see what the waves were doing that day.  I called the number absentmindedly and when the recorded voice said, "hey there..." I said "hey!" back like it was a real person i was calling, and not an automated recording.

I panicked because there were other people in the room with me and they would know something was up if I sat there for two minutes in silence and listened to the voice recording.

So what did I do?  What else could I do?  I said out loud, "Oh, okay, sure no problem, I'll call you back later" and then hung up the phone.  Crisis averted. 

pardon my weeks of silence, dear reader.

To Coffee!  To self destruction via subtle addictions!  to cigarettes, the addiction that never quite goes away...to coffee and cigarettes...

To those evil terrorists who hate our freedom! To those evil muslim terrorists stealing all my street parking during Ramadan!

To surfing past sunset, till you can't even see the waves coming at you anymore!

To friday nights alone, discovering new music!

To organic creamy jack cheese with portabello mushrooms!  that shit is delcious and makes me feel like i'm eating a meal in a fancy restaurant even though I'm just sitting by myself in my boxers eating sandwhich salad and watching Hulu.

To the Postal Service (the music group, not the government service provider though they are great too)! Finally ending their ten years silence with a remastered two disc album including b-sides and remixes of their one and only album.  I am very happy they put something new out.  I love the strange melodramatic nostalgia postal service evokes in me, even though there is no rational reason for it.  I guess that's why we listen to music, to live vicariously through the artist.

Aaron Hernandez

I don't believe this is happening. Why would anybody do such a horrible thing to such a wonderful person?  What did he ever do to anybody?!  Why would some evil bastard, with the help of complicit crooked cops frame poor Aaron Hernandez???  Somebody in the Massachusetts Police department must have a vendetta against Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots.  Somebody must have put a lot of money in a long bet against the patriots this season and is now conniving to sabotage their season.  But I'm not too worried.  With Brady under center, anything is possible.  Poor Hernandez, why is he being framed?  Who is framing him?!  I just don't understand why this is happening!

Heat vs Spurs

I am so confused.  It's been six exciting games into this year's NBA Finals and I still haven't figured out which team I want more to lose.  Should I pick the spurs, a dirty, flopping, boring, gang of pussies who robbed my Steve Nash and his suns of a NBA championship back in 2007?  Or the Heat with everyone's favorite target of hate, myself included, Lebron James?  There's just something in his stupid face that makes me hope he maxes out at one championship.

Can both teams lose? What happens if at the end of quadruple overtime, the game is still tied?

God, I hope a giant meteor will fall out of the sky and smoosh both teams.  That would be the ideal. 

This is so frustrating! I want them both to fail, but one will win! 

I love my mug

I have great affection for my mugs.  I am probably too attached to my mugs.  My work mug was kidnapped and held hostage for ransom today.  it was a terrifying experience.  There's a zen story and it goes like this:

A powerful general of a Chinese kingdom at war led thousands of troops into battle. Not one to command from the back, this general would fearlessly lead his men into battle and destruction and threat of death.  He was very good at what he did and won more battles than he lost.

During moments of peace, when not at war, he would enjoy a quiet and contemplative life at his countryside estate.  One of his favorite past times was enjoying a meditative tea ceremony, serving and drinking tea from one of his many beloved sets in his china collection. 

One day, the general accidentally knocked one of his most prized tea cups off the table by accident.  Just before it would have hit the ground and shattered he managed to catch it and save it.  But for that moment when the cup was falling, he felt more fear and terror and anxiety than he ever did while leading his men into battle.

This, he realized, did not make any sense.  Why would he care so much about an inanimate object, a tool, when he has led men to death and, indeed, killed men in face to face combat?   Realizing that such irrational fear was in control, he looked one last time at his precious tea cup, tossed it over his shoulder and walked away.

Went to a baby shower today.  it was extravagant.  Decorations and food and lots of people and games and prizes, even a conscripted valet.  You know that feeling when you arrive at a social event you were invited to, and then you realize that in your mind you were just expecting a few people or something casual when in fact what you have just arrived at is a proper full on "party" and you weren't really mentally prepared for it cuz you were drinking all weekend and was still kind of hungover and not really in any state to be amusing and social and the present you brought was badly wrapped with brown paper when everybody else had something properly wrapped in pretty wrapping paper?  Then I spoke to a pretty stewardess who convinced me to quit my job and become a flight attendant.  So I might do that.

Now, it's been well over a year.

Never mind Marathon.  Don't have the time or energy for that. Nor do I want to wreck my body just to acquire a check mark on my bucket list. 

To be precise, it has been 364 days. almost one year. almost.  wouldn't it be funny if i gave in now?  maybe i should give in now, to make a pointed joke.

Next on my bucket list is running a marathon.

This is one of those periods where I feel like life is catching up to me.  Between work and social obligations, I haven't had more than a few hours on a weekend to call my own.  I want cheese, tea, hammocks and fantasy novels on a lonely saturday afternoon. I get parades and marches and dinner parties instead.  some people would kill for things to do on the weekend.  some people would jump at the chance to get out of the house.

Mayt 21, 2013

 Unknown at Secret Spot. 

 A very skittish dog.

 din din

Q: What is faster than the speed of light?

A: My brand new computer.

It's 1:39am.  I should have gone to bed long ago.  But I want to stay up and look at things on the internet.  If I don't stay up late and look at funny cat videos on the internet, then the terrorists will win. 

and now it's 1:53am. where does the time go?

I went for a run tonight.  Because I had to.  Can't recall the last time I went running.  It felt good.  I like my new neighborhood.  I met a friendly gay couple who live right down the street.  They may have been flirting with me.  I like to think they were.

What have we learned from this new housing experience?  We learned that mattress purchases are one of the hardest decisions in life. I spent about three hours at Sears this past weekend deciding upon a bed.  My logic is sound: I spend a third of my life on this thing, it affects my sleep which affects my energy and mood through out the day.  So, it's not even about the money really.  there isn't a mattress in the world that is worth more than a good night's sleep (unless you're poor, but don't even get me started on that.  I think it was Barbara Einrich's Nickle and Dimed that pointed out how difficult it is for poor people who don't have that little extra bit of help/cash reserves to get their life off the ground.  I can't imagine how a working class person who doesn't own a car would manage to start a new life somewhere.  how would they drive around to buy the things they need to get by in their daily life? how would they have the time to shop around for a mattress?  how would they have the money to pay for anything but a shitty cheap mattress from a discount warehouse located in some dingy warehouse in the city's industrial park area?  How would they pay for a security deposit on a new apartment?  How much time and energy and money do they waste on public transportation?  There's two groups of people in this world: the poor, and the not poor.  the not poor have a dramatically easier time living.  literally.  when you're poor, just living is hard. merely getting by and doing the daily things you  need to do to stay alive is extremely difficult and draining.  fuck being poor.  and fuck the 1% and all their undeserved wealth, who don't work half as hard as a single parent holding down a full time job trying to raise her kids. when you are poor, you move into a new city and new shitty job. you use up all your cash savings to pay the security deposit and first months rent and household purchases to set up your new place.  you spend all your time in public transportation going to and from work, maybe if you're lucky you have the time and money to go grocery shopping for fresh food that you carry on to the bus in plastic bags, if not, you eat shitty processed food that affects your health and well being. With all the time you spend working your shitty low paying job, getting to and from work, you don't have the time or energy to find a better job, you don't have the time or energy to go to school,  you don't have the time or energy for any personal development or hobbies, you don't have the time or energy to raise your kids properly.  You need to spend money to make money.  if you could afford a cheap used car with all the appurtenant costs like insurance, gas and maintenance, then you suddenly  have much more time on your hands adn the freedom to literally go places; this gives you the opportunity for advancement whether it be more job opportunities or education (assuming you can afford tuition), but if you spent your saving moving into your new place, and all your minimum wage earnings get burnt up for daily living expenses, and you're just one unexpected financial emergency away from being in the red, how do you save up enough money to make that initial investment?  Poverty is an evil bastard that will never let you go, even if you fight and claw with all your strength, all it takes is one doctor's visit or emergency car repair to pull you right back down into the gutter.  Did we come so far as a society only to reach this point?) so it makes sense to spend the time and energy to choose the right mattress.  Unfortunately, I can be embarrassingly picky and indecisive, i am also greatly susceptible to buyer's remorse.  We will see if I made the right choice when the two big tattooed Hawaiian guys, whom i expect will deliver my bed, delivers my bed on Thursday.  But to be realistic, i think a moldy futon would be better than my current shit collection of steel and polyester padding I graciously call a bed.

Things I learned this week

I learned that buying a new mattress is a great big pain in the ass.

I learned that the mattress industry is quite probably, the most insincere and deceptive and unnecessarily difficult scam in the entire consumer world.   The things I could tell you about mattress buying. I demand the right mattress to spend one third of my life on,  but my mattress search makes me want to sleep on a futon.  It'd be easier to sleep on a futon for the rest of my life than deal with mattress buying .

I also learned that hot plates really suck.  even the cast iron, professional hot plates.  and they blow your fuses if you use them in conjunction with an electric kettle, a computer and a couple of light bulbs, and a running refrigerator.  lesson learned.

There isn't enough time in a day...when you have to wait 30 minues for water to boil.

there isn't enough time in the day...when you spend an entire afternoon trying out mattresses and end up being less certain, more confused and more depressed about which mattress is the right mattress for you. It's an important life decision!  I have to get this right! The pressure!   

I got the keys to my new studio annex on Saturday April 20th.

There is nothing quite like the smell of warm stale air in a new rental.  When you turn the key and walk past the doorway into your new unit and you catch that smell of afternoon heat, and the lingering scent of the previous tenants laundry detergent.  That's when you know you are about to begin a new life, or at least begin a new chapter in your same boring old life. 

walk around the new palce for a little bit imagining the life you're going to build for yourself.  Where the book shelves will go, which way to orientate the bed, things you'll need to buy.

In my head, for the past week, i've been overwhelmed by the millions of little things I needed to do and buy in order to make this studio liveable.  So many things.  For the first couple of days I was frozen with indecision, there was so much to do and i wanted to do it all in one day...I didn't even know where to start. So I spent a lot of time just sitting in a chair and imagining how awesome my new place was going to look as soon as i actually started to do something about it.
It's slowly but surely coming together now.

Newer Crush

Genevieve Meli of Sweet Genius fame. 

New Crush

Aubrey Plaza.

Another sunday

I like how I spend my sundays and weekends.  I woke up this morning relatively early, for me. 9am.  I'm not sure what I did for most of the morning.  I drank hot cocoa and looked out my window for some time.

 I played my guitar and learned some new songs.  while I sat on my bed strumming and singing love songs, a pretty girl jogged past my house.  

I strummed and sung for a long time.

   then I fed the mouse I caught at 4:30am last night.

     

        

         then I packed my car to go surfing even though it was overcast, ugly, rainy and the wind was blowing in the wrong direction. I packed my car, then decided to take a nap first.  so I napped for about an hour,  then I woke up and managed to drag myself to the beach.

            it was beautiful.  it was overcast, and raining hard, but the winds died down so the ocean was glassy. I had much more fun than I expected.  my new wetsuit kept me warm and toasty in the water.  the gray sky, the waves and the rain was an incredible scene. 

            who needs the sun?

          
     I guess that's it.

this may be my last sunday in this house of my childhood. if it is, it was a nice one.

I'll be moving into my own little studio annex very soon.  I am excited, not because I'll be moving out of my parents basement but because I've budgeted about 400 bucks for myself to furnish the place.  I'm thinking throw pillows up the wazoo, (tasteful) fuzzy rugs and book shelves full of books.  It's going to be an awesome little bachelor nook I'm creating for myself, yes I am.  I imagine most of my shopping will be done at Ross Stores.  I will have to decipher my way through their disparate styles and endless items that seem so vital and necessary that you buy right away.  No other store can trigger impulse purchases in me, and in most other people I suspect, the way Ross does.  And I don't even think Ross is trying particularly hard to encourage this kind of whimsical consumerism.  it's just inherent to any trip to a Ross.  I'm thinking of a home theater set up too...

"it is impossible to make a mistake"

I don't really cook anymore, I just assemble my food now.  Dinner this evening was fresh tomatoes, scrambled eggs, rosemary bread with a little olive oil drizzled on top, garnished with fresh basil and ground black pepper (not pictured: hummus)

There is a big crack in the sole of my right shoe.  It was a good shoe.  It is still a good shoe.  I literally traveled around the world in that shoe.  I get a little embarrassed now when I sit with my right foot on my left knee because everyone in the office will see that I have a big crack running across the bottom of the shoe.  I am sure everyone notices, but no one has said anything yet. I have yet to step in a puddle of water, but I'm fairly sure if i did, my foot and socks would get uncomfortably damp.  Not wet, just damp.  I could get new shoes, but there's little motivation to remedy this broken shoe situation.

 I miss those sky blue walks.

WAIT! Did i just sext with a pregnant blonde chick who is sitting home alone on St. Paddy's day weekend drinking decaf tea with honey watching NYPD Special Victims Unit and waiting for her boyfriend to come home from a night out as she discusses hypothetical porno sessions in my dark arts studio, all while she's petting puppies?  Best Saturday EVER.

I was going to go to the march, but then i got high.
I was going to show support, but i got high, but I got high...

I spent a part of this afternoon wrapping a statue.  "I'm wrapping a statue"I thought, "what a strange activity I'm doing right now."

it's been nine months since I...sang in the shower.  nine months since i ran up a tower to throw myself off to show her how her words have power.  Nine months before, I walked two miles for a slice of pizza, later Sue smiled as she lied "it's...uhh....not you...it's me."  Nine months time, stand in line for an answer.  The grand prize, at the end of nine months time is...drum roll please...another nine months, dummy!

listless guitar strumming, off beat foot tapping, tired humming. 

The Nofx show was disappointing.  I don't know what was missing last night, I didn't have fun. 

Perhaps I'm getting too old for this stuff?  But to be fair, everyone at the show was well into their twenties if not thirties.  Nofx is not for kids. 

Rice, Poke, Furikake and Doritos Cool Ranch.  Why Doritos?  Because I had a craving for them.  Why did I have a craving for Doritos?  Probably because I was a victim of a well executed online viral marketing campaign. 

Oh, how you vex me so.

oh lawdy am I old!

I just can't headbang like i used to.  I remember back in my day, I could bang from morning till night.  Punk, Metal, Hardcore..if it was rocking, i was banging.  But now?  After just one set by an opening band, my neck and back have fused into one big mass of tightness and pain

Update: and if i had known that Nofx is playing tomorrow night, satruday night, I wouldn't have banged so hard at the metal show.  I would have saved some for the Punk show.  as it is now, i'm so sore and tight, I'm not sure I can give properly at the punk show tomorrow night.

a musician sings another musicians song.

sings it better, plays it better, feels it better than the original creator.   Does the maker feel jealousy? betrayed by his own creation?  Or does he comprehend with zen like calm? Acquiesce and accept that someone has taken his song and made it better?  Where potential was only half realized, the other saw the full extent of latent potentiality and actualized it.

Does anyone ask how the song feels in all this?  Does anyone care but of their own role?

A man I know is about to fulfill his dream tomorrow evening?  He wants Witness.  I will be Witness.  I will be wittiness and tell his tale in talk of casual conversation. 

I find that the happiest moments of my life now revolve around sleeping in late on Saturday mornings.  It's hard to explain how happy i am when i am laying in bed on friday night, knowing I can sleep in and not have to worry about waking up and doing things the next day.

I've reverted to childhood.

I have realized that it is very important that I avoid real responsibility for the rest of my life.  Nothing must come between me and my lazy Saturday mornings.  Nothing.

If anything could be better than lazy Saturday afternoons, I don't want to know about it.

why does music sound so much better in the car radio?  A new song can sound so awesome and exciting in the car, but not so great when I get home and listen to it again.

 

You're alright, Miley Cyrus...you're alright.

Holla, mi viejo amigo

Attachment and desire is the cause of all suffering, somebody once said.  And it is a true statement. Win or lose, Superbowl champs or not, eventually we will all die alone.

I don't know how many more of these disappointments I can take. sigh....

It's terrifying how emotionally invested I get in a football team.  A football team for Christs sake!  Kids are starving to death in Nepal and I feel sad because my preferred group of overpaid muscular men couldn't get an oblong piece of pigskin past two arbitrary points in space more often than another group of overpaid muscular men. 

I wish I can remember who recommended "The Elementary Particles".  Was it a friend of mine?  Was it an online recommendation?   Anyway, upon this second reading, I am struck by how interesting the story is.  There were so many interesting nuggets of philosophic prose that I don't remember from my first reading.  I begin to wonder if I should re-read every single book in my collection, there must be so many good things I've forgotten, it would be great fun to rediscover them.

As much as I enjoyed The Elementary Particles, it's not a book I would lightly recommend.  Not because its not a good read, nor because it's heavy thick reading, it is in fact a light and thin novel.  I hesitate to recommend it because...I wouldn't want the person I recommend it to, to think the novel reflects who I am as a person.  Though I find myself relating, at times painfully so, with these depraved, dysfunctional fictitious (supposedly) characters, I would take the philosophies and worldviews presented within the novel with a heaping tablespoon of salt; also, I couldn't be bothered to decipher whether the author was making sense with the numerous references he made to various brands of Western intellectualism.


I am very excited about the Patriots AFC Championship game on Sunday.  I can't wait to go to sleep tonight, because the earlier I go to sleep, the sooner kickoff will come.  Like a child on christmas eve who goes to bed extra early so he can hurry up and wake up on christmas day to open presents.  The only difference is, I'm not a child, there are no gift wrapped presents under a sparkling pine scented christmas tree, and nothing in the NFL is guaranteed.   I am so nervous and anxious, I'm not sure I like being attached to a sports team.

Rat Race

even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat...

and if you lose the rat race, you end up decomposing behind my refrigerator. 

We watched storm tossed waves crash against cliffs.

We watched a little girl fly a kite.

January 5th, a saturday.

It was a Saturday.

it was rainy.
it was cloudy.
it was cold,
for hawaii.

i surfed in the ocean.
broke my surfboard.
fixed it. 

dinner was spaghetti and potato salad.
and one beer.

chores.
a thin book with neon green cover.
some guitar.

great day.