First thanksgiving at my new place, second turky I've every baked in my entire life.  It was meh.  Can't complain considering it was the first time i used that oven too.

Tribe-less.  Outcast.  Outsider.  I have wandered the desert of a life for too long.  too long it has been until now.  i have found my people. I have found my tribe.

 The people at the mall bookstore at 9pm on a Saturday night.  My People.  Home. 

Moving

What are friends for if not for helping you move heavy furniture hither and thither. 

There was a lay buddhist who lived by the rule of 100.  In his simple home, he had 100 items... his rule was to never have more than 100 material possessions.  a mattress counted as one, a bed sheet was another item, a fork was another... one hundred objects and no more.  anytime he acquired or was gifted a new item, he must get rid of something to keep the number below 100.  I want to live like this.  i want bare empty walls that echo my footsteps back to me when i come home from work.  i want a chair.  a table.  a lamp.  for one.

I never want to move house again.  I will never have to.

but its hard to live with few things in my new home when my mom keeps decorating the place with things i don't want during the day when I'm at work.  fancy bookcases when i want disposable lightweight particle board shelves... vases with live plants when i want institutional severity.


so many thirtieth birthdays...so many people having babies...

His name was Daud.  he played sad sounds. 

I've been disinclined to write in this here blog of mine.  may be cuz I've found easier times.  But I won't just delete this web site yet.  This too shall pass is what they say and interesting times will come my way again someday. 

this man with this song makes me hurt and i am doing you a favor by sharing this pain

Premise 1:
Generosity while possessing great wealth is easy.

Premise 2:
Generosity and giving when you have little is difficult.

Conclusion:
If you are financially poor, but want to give, give those ephemeral things which everyone has an abundance of: Love, Time, Compassion, Help, give of yourself, rather than material wealth.

But if you don't have financial or spiritual wealth to give, or just don't want to give what little you have, no worries.  Givers can't be Givers without Takers, right?

Yin and Yang.

It's a beautiful thing when you hear about a poor person giving generously of what little they possess.  But "the fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion."  Or does it?  I will have to think more about this.

The Hawaiian Islands: a Retrospective

It's been years since I've been to the outer islands.  I haven't set foot on the outer Islands since at least 1999.  I've forgotten, assuming I ever knew, how beautiful the islands are.

Each island is different.  Big Island has the lush east side, with volcano landscapes.  The west side is drier, almost dessert-like at times.  Maui, the parts I saw, had undulating pasture lands.  Kauai was lush all around.

I see why tourists come to Hawaii.  It's a pretty place.

I attended a keynote speech at a tourism conference today, actor and travel writer Anthony McCarthy.  I agreed with everything he said.

He spoke not about the facts and figures and corporate activity of selling hotel rooms and plane tickets.  He talked instead about the beauty and spirituality and inner growth experiences of Travel.  I laughed when he argued there is no difference between the definition of "travel' and "vacation".  I had just learned myself that there is a big difference between those loosely associated terms.  Though I would say the two are two completely different activities, I agree with him when he says that both lead to learning moments.  I waited after his speech and spoke to him and shook his hand because I was so tickled by his speech...I totally "got" what he was saying.

He spoke about the superficial Hawaii vacation, i.e. the Mai Tai's at a beach side hotel bar in Waikiki. But he also said that Hawaii, and traveling in general, can provide a deeper experience to individuals.  He called them "ah ha!" moments.  I just call them moments.

Here is a moment  on a deserted black sand beach on Maui:

Reminiscent of El Salvador many miles away.

One of the more relaxing moments on my cruise trip.  I believe this was on the Big Island.  A few miles south of Waikoloa Village.

good wine and bad chinese food, or was it the other way around?

So it goes.

Haleakala

I watched the sunrise.

And I bought a red hat.

I didn't realize how disappointed I could be until I finally got what I always wanted. 

Ocean Roads

I learned during this seven day cruise experience with my extended family that there is a difference between "vacations", "family vacations" and "traveling".  I prefer the last.

I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of service on the boat.  All the little services and amenities added up to a pretty nice experience.  I wasn't expecting much from the staff on the boat, but it wasn't bad.  It wasn't 5 star, but it was more than i expected.   Other more experienced cruisers, they like to call themselves "cruisers", said that this particular cruise wasn't that great in terms of food or service or activities.  My feelings about it is that you're not really paying to stay on the boat to watch shows, swim in the pool and eat buffetts, you're there to go on shore and see the islands.

This is one of those vacations where I'm going to need a vacation to recover from it.  It was very fun, but tiring.

I learned many things about family, life, health, patience, kids,  etc...

 I learned it takes about 30 minutes to get kids ready to go somewhere in a car.

Not that there was any doubt before, but i would reiterate that i'm definitely not having kids. Nope.

The morning that I left I packed my things into my old backpacking backpack, the one i've used on my previous two trips.  the moment I swung the straps over my shoulders and the familiar weight settled against my back, it felt so right.  It felt so good.  I asked myself why I was wasting my life away in an 8:30am to 6:30pm desk job.  I should be traveling the world.  You should have seen the grin on my face as I walked out my front door to my seven day cruise adventure.  You should have felt my contentment at that moment in time. 

Things Lonely People Do. Go!

1. Talk to self.
2. Order take out.
3. Self-improvement activities.
4. Smile at seemingly nothing.
5.

I was sitting in a doctor office waiting room this morning.  out of boredom I decided to call the surf report to see what the waves were doing that day.  I called the number absentmindedly and when the recorded voice said, "hey there..." I said "hey!" back like it was a real person i was calling, and not an automated recording.

I panicked because there were other people in the room with me and they would know something was up if I sat there for two minutes in silence and listened to the voice recording.

So what did I do?  What else could I do?  I said out loud, "Oh, okay, sure no problem, I'll call you back later" and then hung up the phone.  Crisis averted. 

pardon my weeks of silence, dear reader.

To Coffee!  To self destruction via subtle addictions!  to cigarettes, the addiction that never quite goes away...to coffee and cigarettes...

To those evil terrorists who hate our freedom! To those evil muslim terrorists stealing all my street parking during Ramadan!

To surfing past sunset, till you can't even see the waves coming at you anymore!

To friday nights alone, discovering new music!

To organic creamy jack cheese with portabello mushrooms!  that shit is delcious and makes me feel like i'm eating a meal in a fancy restaurant even though I'm just sitting by myself in my boxers eating sandwhich salad and watching Hulu.

To the Postal Service (the music group, not the government service provider though they are great too)! Finally ending their ten years silence with a remastered two disc album including b-sides and remixes of their one and only album.  I am very happy they put something new out.  I love the strange melodramatic nostalgia postal service evokes in me, even though there is no rational reason for it.  I guess that's why we listen to music, to live vicariously through the artist.

Aaron Hernandez

I don't believe this is happening. Why would anybody do such a horrible thing to such a wonderful person?  What did he ever do to anybody?!  Why would some evil bastard, with the help of complicit crooked cops frame poor Aaron Hernandez???  Somebody in the Massachusetts Police department must have a vendetta against Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots.  Somebody must have put a lot of money in a long bet against the patriots this season and is now conniving to sabotage their season.  But I'm not too worried.  With Brady under center, anything is possible.  Poor Hernandez, why is he being framed?  Who is framing him?!  I just don't understand why this is happening!

Heat vs Spurs

I am so confused.  It's been six exciting games into this year's NBA Finals and I still haven't figured out which team I want more to lose.  Should I pick the spurs, a dirty, flopping, boring, gang of pussies who robbed my Steve Nash and his suns of a NBA championship back in 2007?  Or the Heat with everyone's favorite target of hate, myself included, Lebron James?  There's just something in his stupid face that makes me hope he maxes out at one championship.

Can both teams lose? What happens if at the end of quadruple overtime, the game is still tied?

God, I hope a giant meteor will fall out of the sky and smoosh both teams.  That would be the ideal. 

This is so frustrating! I want them both to fail, but one will win! 

I love my mug

I have great affection for my mugs.  I am probably too attached to my mugs.  My work mug was kidnapped and held hostage for ransom today.  it was a terrifying experience.  There's a zen story and it goes like this:

A powerful general of a Chinese kingdom at war led thousands of troops into battle. Not one to command from the back, this general would fearlessly lead his men into battle and destruction and threat of death.  He was very good at what he did and won more battles than he lost.

During moments of peace, when not at war, he would enjoy a quiet and contemplative life at his countryside estate.  One of his favorite past times was enjoying a meditative tea ceremony, serving and drinking tea from one of his many beloved sets in his china collection. 

One day, the general accidentally knocked one of his most prized tea cups off the table by accident.  Just before it would have hit the ground and shattered he managed to catch it and save it.  But for that moment when the cup was falling, he felt more fear and terror and anxiety than he ever did while leading his men into battle.

This, he realized, did not make any sense.  Why would he care so much about an inanimate object, a tool, when he has led men to death and, indeed, killed men in face to face combat?   Realizing that such irrational fear was in control, he looked one last time at his precious tea cup, tossed it over his shoulder and walked away.

Went to a baby shower today.  it was extravagant.  Decorations and food and lots of people and games and prizes, even a conscripted valet.  You know that feeling when you arrive at a social event you were invited to, and then you realize that in your mind you were just expecting a few people or something casual when in fact what you have just arrived at is a proper full on "party" and you weren't really mentally prepared for it cuz you were drinking all weekend and was still kind of hungover and not really in any state to be amusing and social and the present you brought was badly wrapped with brown paper when everybody else had something properly wrapped in pretty wrapping paper?  Then I spoke to a pretty stewardess who convinced me to quit my job and become a flight attendant.  So I might do that.

Now, it's been well over a year.

Never mind Marathon.  Don't have the time or energy for that. Nor do I want to wreck my body just to acquire a check mark on my bucket list. 

To be precise, it has been 364 days. almost one year. almost.  wouldn't it be funny if i gave in now?  maybe i should give in now, to make a pointed joke.

Next on my bucket list is running a marathon.

This is one of those periods where I feel like life is catching up to me.  Between work and social obligations, I haven't had more than a few hours on a weekend to call my own.  I want cheese, tea, hammocks and fantasy novels on a lonely saturday afternoon. I get parades and marches and dinner parties instead.  some people would kill for things to do on the weekend.  some people would jump at the chance to get out of the house.

Mayt 21, 2013

 Unknown at Secret Spot. 

 A very skittish dog.

 din din

Q: What is faster than the speed of light?

A: My brand new computer.

It's 1:39am.  I should have gone to bed long ago.  But I want to stay up and look at things on the internet.  If I don't stay up late and look at funny cat videos on the internet, then the terrorists will win. 

and now it's 1:53am. where does the time go?

I went for a run tonight.  Because I had to.  Can't recall the last time I went running.  It felt good.  I like my new neighborhood.  I met a friendly gay couple who live right down the street.  They may have been flirting with me.  I like to think they were.

What have we learned from this new housing experience?  We learned that mattress purchases are one of the hardest decisions in life. I spent about three hours at Sears this past weekend deciding upon a bed.  My logic is sound: I spend a third of my life on this thing, it affects my sleep which affects my energy and mood through out the day.  So, it's not even about the money really.  there isn't a mattress in the world that is worth more than a good night's sleep (unless you're poor, but don't even get me started on that.  I think it was Barbara Einrich's Nickle and Dimed that pointed out how difficult it is for poor people who don't have that little extra bit of help/cash reserves to get their life off the ground.  I can't imagine how a working class person who doesn't own a car would manage to start a new life somewhere.  how would they drive around to buy the things they need to get by in their daily life? how would they have the time to shop around for a mattress?  how would they have the money to pay for anything but a shitty cheap mattress from a discount warehouse located in some dingy warehouse in the city's industrial park area?  How would they pay for a security deposit on a new apartment?  How much time and energy and money do they waste on public transportation?  There's two groups of people in this world: the poor, and the not poor.  the not poor have a dramatically easier time living.  literally.  when you're poor, just living is hard. merely getting by and doing the daily things you  need to do to stay alive is extremely difficult and draining.  fuck being poor.  and fuck the 1% and all their undeserved wealth, who don't work half as hard as a single parent holding down a full time job trying to raise her kids. when you are poor, you move into a new city and new shitty job. you use up all your cash savings to pay the security deposit and first months rent and household purchases to set up your new place.  you spend all your time in public transportation going to and from work, maybe if you're lucky you have the time and money to go grocery shopping for fresh food that you carry on to the bus in plastic bags, if not, you eat shitty processed food that affects your health and well being. With all the time you spend working your shitty low paying job, getting to and from work, you don't have the time or energy to find a better job, you don't have the time or energy to go to school,  you don't have the time or energy for any personal development or hobbies, you don't have the time or energy to raise your kids properly.  You need to spend money to make money.  if you could afford a cheap used car with all the appurtenant costs like insurance, gas and maintenance, then you suddenly  have much more time on your hands adn the freedom to literally go places; this gives you the opportunity for advancement whether it be more job opportunities or education (assuming you can afford tuition), but if you spent your saving moving into your new place, and all your minimum wage earnings get burnt up for daily living expenses, and you're just one unexpected financial emergency away from being in the red, how do you save up enough money to make that initial investment?  Poverty is an evil bastard that will never let you go, even if you fight and claw with all your strength, all it takes is one doctor's visit or emergency car repair to pull you right back down into the gutter.  Did we come so far as a society only to reach this point?) so it makes sense to spend the time and energy to choose the right mattress.  Unfortunately, I can be embarrassingly picky and indecisive, i am also greatly susceptible to buyer's remorse.  We will see if I made the right choice when the two big tattooed Hawaiian guys, whom i expect will deliver my bed, delivers my bed on Thursday.  But to be realistic, i think a moldy futon would be better than my current shit collection of steel and polyester padding I graciously call a bed.